A Birthday Letter

Every year on my Birthday I write a little letter to myself. These letters are mostly scattered in boxes and boxes of filled journals in my garage. It always gives me a chuckle to think of those I love coming across a treasure chest of my scrabbled thoughts after I am no longer a body on this earth. Perhaps a bit strange , but it is a comfort to know my secret thoughts one day will be aired out between those I knew and cherished. The best way to know ‘me’ is through the words I scribble and the best way for me to find all the answers I seek is to stare at these ink filled creations and find out new things about the puzzle which is "me". Words are my greatest teacher. This year, I decided to do something new. I am publishing my Birthday letter to myself on my blog.

Dear Crazy Girl,

In two days you will be twenty nine years old and I am beaming. I suppose the way a parent must look at their child and sigh with pride. It is strange that this is the kindest letter I have ever written you, but I am so relieved we have finally made it this far.

I want you to really reflect on everything you have accomplished and carry it with you towards our next year. In this past year you have: left behind old ideas of how things “should be” and how people “should be”, quit smoking, exercise every day, eat healthy, you are actively conscious of your thoughts, actions, and reactions, and you are who you promised yourself you would strive to become. I am very proud you kept the promises you made to yourself.

There is always more to reach for and it's excting to see what the future will bring. I would like to see you do the following things this year: complete a novel, submit a novel several times to publishers, spend more time connecting with family, practice helping others more then helping yourself, be genuinely happy for others and all of there successes, make positive choices, and always choose to be less critical and more kind.

I looked at pictures of you as a baby and was amazed at the reactions of those in the photo around you. All these people standing around in those pictures taking an active role in that tiny bodies new moments. These little slivers of souls blended into parts of you and radiate around you. It moves me how children in photographs are always so genuine – they haven’t yet learned to ‘pose’ for a picture. I stared at the picture of this little girl looking up at her father and I saw love of real emotions cascading out of nine-month-old eyes. I saw a photo of a two-year-old girl looking up at her mother’s twinkling eyes with a new profound sense of awe and I saw a beautiful promise of devotion. That is the kind of beauty I want us to continue to connect with every additional year of our life. The other “stuff” in life is just “stuff”– but love in the eyes of a child is a love with out condition or expectations. It just is.

If a fairy god-mother came down and told me I could change anything in our past- I would tell her I would change nothing at all. I am overwhelmingly thankful for everything and everyone that has come across my path. There is nothing I would change - Not even the tiniest of detail. Without all the beautiful blemishes in days past... I would not be me and that would just not do!

Most important thing this year I want to leave you with is: Remember - I am always unconditionally proud of you. Happy 29th Birthday! Do good things this year!

Love,
Marissa

My Reflection

The state of your life is nothing more than a reflection of your state of mind.~ Dr Wayne Dyer

I woke up this morning with a groan that was cut short. As I stretched looking at the clock I realized that I was going to be very late to work. I slept in. Instead of my usual panic mode when I realize I am running late I just smiled and the oddest thing happened. I laughed. I didn't rush to take a shower or frantically search for clothes to wear. I just calmly went through a very relaxing ritual telling myself "I'll get there when I get there." Normally I'm not this flippant about being late for work, but I knew I was late and there nothing was going to change that. Rather then starting my day off rushing, worrying, and raising my blood pressure I decided to just "let it be." When I stepped outside I realized it felt like the kind of day that blends a mix of laughter, sunscreen, and sunglasses into a sizzling energizing potion. A familiar day - like last day of school before summer vacation. I felt giddy as my windows were rolled down and the music was up a little to high on my way into work. I felt confident as I walked around in my world all day. I smiled at everyone - and kept smiling... even to those who didn't smile back. It felt good. Today feels like freedom. A vacation from old thinking patterns... enjoy the moments. Just being.

A Precious & Rare Ruby

Most of us have a place we can escape too and for the moment the tilted world seems to have been righted again. Perhaps for you, it’s a home office, an overstuffed chair in a local starbucks, or a peaceful afternoon drive. I have a place where the heavy door creaking open floods me with an overwhelming sense of ‘home’. My secret get away smells like decades of memories with a dash of fresh herbs and spices. Imagine a place where anything can be said, every living thing is respect and cherished, nothing is judged, a live backyard wildlife show, and (as if that’s not priceless enough) you are served lavish food fit for a royal meal. My grandmother’s home looks like just another home on another street, but what you don’t see – is behind that heavy wooden door is a world that is allowed to just ‘be’. This extraordinary woman is one of the greatest teachers in my life. She isn’t being kind to achieve anything nor looking for award, or expecting anything in return. She enjoys every precious living thing; she offers her food and her home to everything from no legs to four legs and everything in-between. It is her home which is my ‘church’ and where I can always find solace and understanding. Sometimes you need to check into reality to see what really is. The truth is: it makes me feel really good about me… that I see how beautiful she is, because perhaps that means one day I can offer that kind of radiance to the world around me.

Flawed Beautifully- just me.

I danced on the edge of the world. I drank from a peaceful stream. Arms stretched to the sky with a determined smile. The dress I wore was tattered and shabby, but it danced around me in the breeze magnificently. The song sounded like the fall of leaves and the beat was the deafening sound of change. Every torn hem caught the sunlight and flowed with the rhythm of the ocean waves. It was the fabric which made the scene captivating. Each thread misplaced, each tear feathered, and each fray fluttering was surrounded by the glow and green of nature. Alone surrounded by everything alive was like waking into a precious dream. Awakened... owning the key. Flawed beautifully- just me.

No More Butts

Dirty Laundry very rarely gets aired and if it does it is unlikely it is ones whose laundry it is. However, being the unconventional girl I am, I feel the necessity to admit the truth that I have been keeping hidden in the shadows. Perhaps many of you already knew and decided to stand back and wait for me to come clean. So here it is… My big ugly truth is: I was a smoker and now I’m a happy non smoker! But why did I hide it? I wasn’t proud of my addiction and I didn’t want to smoke anymore, but I had somehow convinced myself that I couldn’t quit. Everything I kept telling myself was committing me to lighting up again and again- Life was too hard, problems to stressful, tobacco addiction are too hard to quit, and my favorite excuse “I will soon”, but soon never came. I consider myself a very intelligent person, yet I knew what I was continuously doing was STUPID STUPID STUPID! I was afraid without the crutch - I couldn’t cope, but the more I smoked the more I worried I would get cancer and die. It was a vicious carnival ride that never stopped, but went around and around making me feeling more ashamed and sick. Surprise, the more embarrassed I felt the more I smoked. I read an amazing book by Allen Carr the Easyway to Quit Smoking. It questions and answers the psychology of smoking. It didn’t come equipped with any miracle drug, no substitutes (nicotine patches or gum), but by time I finished the book I had my very last cigarette that I will ever have! I suppose the simple message in the book wasn’t something I couldn’t figure out on my own, but it made me question and motivated me to take a closer look at what I allow myself to believe. Now, there is no more hiding, no more feeling guilty, and grossed out with my dirty little addiction. Finally, it’s no longer a part of me. Aside from hopefully avoiding many horrible diseases it contributes too - The most important thing about conquering this demon was the realization that I refuse to hand over power to anything in my life I do not want there!!!

Finding a Way Out of the Maze

As a kid the movie Labyrinth always fascinated me, but I keep playing a certain line in the movie over and over in my head as of late.

“Through dangers untold and hardships unnumbered, I have fought my way here to the castle beyond the Goblin City to take back the child that you have stolen, for my will is as strong as yours, and my kingdom is as great — You have no power over me.”

This movie is filled with great messages for kids (and actually some adults I know could also benefit from this cinematic adventure). Some of the messages are: not always believing what you see, about letting ‘helping hands’ assist you when you need it, the necessity of friendships and teamwork, the quote “everything is possible” is thrown out several times in the movie, and the ultimate message that nobody has power over you. Of course, as a kid, I loved the funny goblins and the David Bowie music but subconsciously that line of the movie has always stayed with me and every now and again I remember it.

Recently, a certain someone had me thinking of the movie Labyrinth and everything suddenly became crisp and clear. I saw him today… my shadow friend… and the stabbing pain of hurt is somehow gone. In-fact, as I looked at his face and he looked back at mine I felt a quiet. There is a kind of quiet that tells a once tender heart that the mourning period is over. It leaves composure as if the once treacherous waters have been stilled into a lapping lake. I felt sorry for my shadow friend as he walked away – then stopped turned around and asked if he can see me tonight. My reply was as simple as the turning of a knob that silently shuts the door of a sleeping baby. It was somber to see him standing alone in the shadows of the street while I stood by the car in the sunlight. The impression will etch itself in my memory forever: His tired face, wrinkled shirt that folded slightly up on one sleeve, unshaven chin, titled baseball cap, and the awkward stance of a man damned. “I really do miss you…I want to be in your world” he says. A wave of pity comes over me. “I know” is all I can whisper into the silence as I recite the simple words in my head…“Through dangers untold and hardships unnumbered, I have fought my way here to take back what you have stolen, for my will is as strong as yours, and my kingdom is as great - You have no power over me!!!

Playing with Puzzle Pieces

I don’t feel the doom and gloom. I know it’s lurking out there because I have seen it on many faces I pass in the shuffle of my everyday life. It seems many people are cashing-in and checking-out. Life is hard especially with the media reminding us just how unhappy we ‘should’ feel. However, in my little world something is different. I see the bills stacking up on the entryway table in my house, all the while, knowing that my position at work is shaky. I know that I have a lot of goals I have recently set for myself which might possibly be difficult, but some sort of shift took place. It was slight at first. The morning I woke up and didn’t feel like crying was the middle. The beginning was just one good choice I made for 'me' that snowballed into... what one can only define as... happiness? Nowadays, I just smile at the piling stack of bills I need to pay. I intend to pay them and I will, but right now I can’t so … I smile instead. Did I crack? Nope. I just changed. Eating right and working out use to seem like this huge mountain I looked up at but felt to afraid to climb. Now, I enjoy it – I can’t believe I wasted so much time not making it an essential part of my life. Losing weight is good for my health and the 13 pounds I have lost feels great, but there is something even more impressive I discovered. One night while exercising I thought “what other changes can I make?” and it inspired me to change everything else in my life I didn’t like! Like spring cleaning for the soul. If something doesn’t fit into who I want to be – I just throw it out! Gone! Just like that! This might seem like an infomercial on selling "happy" but indulge me a little further. I even changed how I felt about the people in my life who use to make me feel bad about me – FLIP! I smile at them too! Just like that! And what’s really fantastic is the changes I have made make me like this new girl more everyday! Like a puzzle – I am putting me back together – starting from the edges and working my way to the middle. “It starts with ME first!” it’s my new mantra!