The Dance of Summer

There is a subtle sting in the air and crisp wheat field feel of rushing summer. There is a living painting that exists in a secret quiet place. In the distance an old barn nestled in a fading green field sits a lone with pink spray painted words “Better Days”. A long dirt road stretches out for miles and tumble weeds skip on a stage without audience. Behind a broken fence two horses nestle necks as shinny black manes toss in rhythm with the dancing wheat at their feet. An old blue Chevy truck missing a tire tilts up to sky mimicking the expansive bluish hue of the setting sun. A white meek ranch rambler house proudly sits with two wicker rocking chairs and laundry claims its title like flags flying on the line. The breathless flat dusty silence reminds tired eyes of summers past and “Better Days” yet to come.

Priceless Present Moments

I stopped writing… perhaps because of the quiet I needed in my soul. Words left me the moment he became a ghost. The written word became frightening truth serum when I so desperately wanted a lie. But as life often does… it throws in a random spin that wasn’t quite expected. The air shifted into folds of velvet and the crisp orchard air clung to us. As I lay in the emerging sunrise with my head on his chest listening to his heart beat and our fingers intertwined I sigh. Contented fear grips me. My head spins me forward to the plans, the logic, the ‘what now’. Shhh… silly girl. Just be. Surrender to the emerging light and float for awhile.

A Birthday Letter

Every year on my Birthday I write a little letter to myself. These letters are mostly scattered in boxes and boxes of filled journals in my garage. It always gives me a chuckle to think of those I love coming across a treasure chest of my scrabbled thoughts after I am no longer a body on this earth. Perhaps a bit strange , but it is a comfort to know my secret thoughts one day will be aired out between those I knew and cherished. The best way to know ‘me’ is through the words I scribble and the best way for me to find all the answers I seek is to stare at these ink filled creations and find out new things about the puzzle which is "me". Words are my greatest teacher. This year, I decided to do something new. I am publishing my Birthday letter to myself on my blog.

Dear Crazy Girl,

In two days you will be twenty nine years old and I am beaming. I suppose the way a parent must look at their child and sigh with pride. It is strange that this is the kindest letter I have ever written you, but I am so relieved we have finally made it this far.

I want you to really reflect on everything you have accomplished and carry it with you towards our next year. In this past year you have: left behind old ideas of how things “should be” and how people “should be”, quit smoking, exercise every day, eat healthy, you are actively conscious of your thoughts, actions, and reactions, and you are who you promised yourself you would strive to become. I am very proud you kept the promises you made to yourself.

There is always more to reach for and it's excting to see what the future will bring. I would like to see you do the following things this year: complete a novel, submit a novel several times to publishers, spend more time connecting with family, practice helping others more then helping yourself, be genuinely happy for others and all of there successes, make positive choices, and always choose to be less critical and more kind.

I looked at pictures of you as a baby and was amazed at the reactions of those in the photo around you. All these people standing around in those pictures taking an active role in that tiny bodies new moments. These little slivers of souls blended into parts of you and radiate around you. It moves me how children in photographs are always so genuine – they haven’t yet learned to ‘pose’ for a picture. I stared at the picture of this little girl looking up at her father and I saw love of real emotions cascading out of nine-month-old eyes. I saw a photo of a two-year-old girl looking up at her mother’s twinkling eyes with a new profound sense of awe and I saw a beautiful promise of devotion. That is the kind of beauty I want us to continue to connect with every additional year of our life. The other “stuff” in life is just “stuff”– but love in the eyes of a child is a love with out condition or expectations. It just is.

If a fairy god-mother came down and told me I could change anything in our past- I would tell her I would change nothing at all. I am overwhelmingly thankful for everything and everyone that has come across my path. There is nothing I would change - Not even the tiniest of detail. Without all the beautiful blemishes in days past... I would not be me and that would just not do!

Most important thing this year I want to leave you with is: Remember - I am always unconditionally proud of you. Happy 29th Birthday! Do good things this year!

Love,
Marissa

My Reflection

The state of your life is nothing more than a reflection of your state of mind.~ Dr Wayne Dyer

I woke up this morning with a groan that was cut short. As I stretched looking at the clock I realized that I was going to be very late to work. I slept in. Instead of my usual panic mode when I realize I am running late I just smiled and the oddest thing happened. I laughed. I didn't rush to take a shower or frantically search for clothes to wear. I just calmly went through a very relaxing ritual telling myself "I'll get there when I get there." Normally I'm not this flippant about being late for work, but I knew I was late and there nothing was going to change that. Rather then starting my day off rushing, worrying, and raising my blood pressure I decided to just "let it be." When I stepped outside I realized it felt like the kind of day that blends a mix of laughter, sunscreen, and sunglasses into a sizzling energizing potion. A familiar day - like last day of school before summer vacation. I felt giddy as my windows were rolled down and the music was up a little to high on my way into work. I felt confident as I walked around in my world all day. I smiled at everyone - and kept smiling... even to those who didn't smile back. It felt good. Today feels like freedom. A vacation from old thinking patterns... enjoy the moments. Just being.

A Precious & Rare Ruby

Most of us have a place we can escape too and for the moment the tilted world seems to have been righted again. Perhaps for you, it’s a home office, an overstuffed chair in a local starbucks, or a peaceful afternoon drive. I have a place where the heavy door creaking open floods me with an overwhelming sense of ‘home’. My secret get away smells like decades of memories with a dash of fresh herbs and spices. Imagine a place where anything can be said, every living thing is respect and cherished, nothing is judged, a live backyard wildlife show, and (as if that’s not priceless enough) you are served lavish food fit for a royal meal. My grandmother’s home looks like just another home on another street, but what you don’t see – is behind that heavy wooden door is a world that is allowed to just ‘be’. This extraordinary woman is one of the greatest teachers in my life. She isn’t being kind to achieve anything nor looking for award, or expecting anything in return. She enjoys every precious living thing; she offers her food and her home to everything from no legs to four legs and everything in-between. It is her home which is my ‘church’ and where I can always find solace and understanding. Sometimes you need to check into reality to see what really is. The truth is: it makes me feel really good about me… that I see how beautiful she is, because perhaps that means one day I can offer that kind of radiance to the world around me.

Flawed Beautifully- just me.

I danced on the edge of the world. I drank from a peaceful stream. Arms stretched to the sky with a determined smile. The dress I wore was tattered and shabby, but it danced around me in the breeze magnificently. The song sounded like the fall of leaves and the beat was the deafening sound of change. Every torn hem caught the sunlight and flowed with the rhythm of the ocean waves. It was the fabric which made the scene captivating. Each thread misplaced, each tear feathered, and each fray fluttering was surrounded by the glow and green of nature. Alone surrounded by everything alive was like waking into a precious dream. Awakened... owning the key. Flawed beautifully- just me.

No More Butts

Dirty Laundry very rarely gets aired and if it does it is unlikely it is ones whose laundry it is. However, being the unconventional girl I am, I feel the necessity to admit the truth that I have been keeping hidden in the shadows. Perhaps many of you already knew and decided to stand back and wait for me to come clean. So here it is… My big ugly truth is: I was a smoker and now I’m a happy non smoker! But why did I hide it? I wasn’t proud of my addiction and I didn’t want to smoke anymore, but I had somehow convinced myself that I couldn’t quit. Everything I kept telling myself was committing me to lighting up again and again- Life was too hard, problems to stressful, tobacco addiction are too hard to quit, and my favorite excuse “I will soon”, but soon never came. I consider myself a very intelligent person, yet I knew what I was continuously doing was STUPID STUPID STUPID! I was afraid without the crutch - I couldn’t cope, but the more I smoked the more I worried I would get cancer and die. It was a vicious carnival ride that never stopped, but went around and around making me feeling more ashamed and sick. Surprise, the more embarrassed I felt the more I smoked. I read an amazing book by Allen Carr the Easyway to Quit Smoking. It questions and answers the psychology of smoking. It didn’t come equipped with any miracle drug, no substitutes (nicotine patches or gum), but by time I finished the book I had my very last cigarette that I will ever have! I suppose the simple message in the book wasn’t something I couldn’t figure out on my own, but it made me question and motivated me to take a closer look at what I allow myself to believe. Now, there is no more hiding, no more feeling guilty, and grossed out with my dirty little addiction. Finally, it’s no longer a part of me. Aside from hopefully avoiding many horrible diseases it contributes too - The most important thing about conquering this demon was the realization that I refuse to hand over power to anything in my life I do not want there!!!