A Birthday Letter

Every year on my Birthday I write a little letter to myself. These letters are mostly scattered in boxes and boxes of filled journals in my garage. It always gives me a chuckle to think of those I love coming across a treasure chest of my scrabbled thoughts after I am no longer a body on this earth. Perhaps a bit strange , but it is a comfort to know my secret thoughts one day will be aired out between those I knew and cherished. The best way to know ‘me’ is through the words I scribble and the best way for me to find all the answers I seek is to stare at these ink filled creations and find out new things about the puzzle which is "me". Words are my greatest teacher. This year, I decided to do something new. I am publishing my Birthday letter to myself on my blog.

Dear Crazy Girl,

In two days you will be twenty nine years old and I am beaming. I suppose the way a parent must look at their child and sigh with pride. It is strange that this is the kindest letter I have ever written you, but I am so relieved we have finally made it this far.

I want you to really reflect on everything you have accomplished and carry it with you towards our next year. In this past year you have: left behind old ideas of how things “should be” and how people “should be”, quit smoking, exercise every day, eat healthy, you are actively conscious of your thoughts, actions, and reactions, and you are who you promised yourself you would strive to become. I am very proud you kept the promises you made to yourself.

There is always more to reach for and it's excting to see what the future will bring. I would like to see you do the following things this year: complete a novel, submit a novel several times to publishers, spend more time connecting with family, practice helping others more then helping yourself, be genuinely happy for others and all of there successes, make positive choices, and always choose to be less critical and more kind.

I looked at pictures of you as a baby and was amazed at the reactions of those in the photo around you. All these people standing around in those pictures taking an active role in that tiny bodies new moments. These little slivers of souls blended into parts of you and radiate around you. It moves me how children in photographs are always so genuine – they haven’t yet learned to ‘pose’ for a picture. I stared at the picture of this little girl looking up at her father and I saw love of real emotions cascading out of nine-month-old eyes. I saw a photo of a two-year-old girl looking up at her mother’s twinkling eyes with a new profound sense of awe and I saw a beautiful promise of devotion. That is the kind of beauty I want us to continue to connect with every additional year of our life. The other “stuff” in life is just “stuff”– but love in the eyes of a child is a love with out condition or expectations. It just is.

If a fairy god-mother came down and told me I could change anything in our past- I would tell her I would change nothing at all. I am overwhelmingly thankful for everything and everyone that has come across my path. There is nothing I would change - Not even the tiniest of detail. Without all the beautiful blemishes in days past... I would not be me and that would just not do!

Most important thing this year I want to leave you with is: Remember - I am always unconditionally proud of you. Happy 29th Birthday! Do good things this year!

Love,
Marissa

My Reflection

The state of your life is nothing more than a reflection of your state of mind.~ Dr Wayne Dyer

I woke up this morning with a groan that was cut short. As I stretched looking at the clock I realized that I was going to be very late to work. I slept in. Instead of my usual panic mode when I realize I am running late I just smiled and the oddest thing happened. I laughed. I didn't rush to take a shower or frantically search for clothes to wear. I just calmly went through a very relaxing ritual telling myself "I'll get there when I get there." Normally I'm not this flippant about being late for work, but I knew I was late and there nothing was going to change that. Rather then starting my day off rushing, worrying, and raising my blood pressure I decided to just "let it be." When I stepped outside I realized it felt like the kind of day that blends a mix of laughter, sunscreen, and sunglasses into a sizzling energizing potion. A familiar day - like last day of school before summer vacation. I felt giddy as my windows were rolled down and the music was up a little to high on my way into work. I felt confident as I walked around in my world all day. I smiled at everyone - and kept smiling... even to those who didn't smile back. It felt good. Today feels like freedom. A vacation from old thinking patterns... enjoy the moments. Just being.

A Precious & Rare Ruby

Most of us have a place we can escape too and for the moment the tilted world seems to have been righted again. Perhaps for you, it’s a home office, an overstuffed chair in a local starbucks, or a peaceful afternoon drive. I have a place where the heavy door creaking open floods me with an overwhelming sense of ‘home’. My secret get away smells like decades of memories with a dash of fresh herbs and spices. Imagine a place where anything can be said, every living thing is respect and cherished, nothing is judged, a live backyard wildlife show, and (as if that’s not priceless enough) you are served lavish food fit for a royal meal. My grandmother’s home looks like just another home on another street, but what you don’t see – is behind that heavy wooden door is a world that is allowed to just ‘be’. This extraordinary woman is one of the greatest teachers in my life. She isn’t being kind to achieve anything nor looking for award, or expecting anything in return. She enjoys every precious living thing; she offers her food and her home to everything from no legs to four legs and everything in-between. It is her home which is my ‘church’ and where I can always find solace and understanding. Sometimes you need to check into reality to see what really is. The truth is: it makes me feel really good about me… that I see how beautiful she is, because perhaps that means one day I can offer that kind of radiance to the world around me.

Flawed Beautifully- just me.

I danced on the edge of the world. I drank from a peaceful stream. Arms stretched to the sky with a determined smile. The dress I wore was tattered and shabby, but it danced around me in the breeze magnificently. The song sounded like the fall of leaves and the beat was the deafening sound of change. Every torn hem caught the sunlight and flowed with the rhythm of the ocean waves. It was the fabric which made the scene captivating. Each thread misplaced, each tear feathered, and each fray fluttering was surrounded by the glow and green of nature. Alone surrounded by everything alive was like waking into a precious dream. Awakened... owning the key. Flawed beautifully- just me.

No More Butts

Dirty Laundry very rarely gets aired and if it does it is unlikely it is ones whose laundry it is. However, being the unconventional girl I am, I feel the necessity to admit the truth that I have been keeping hidden in the shadows. Perhaps many of you already knew and decided to stand back and wait for me to come clean. So here it is… My big ugly truth is: I was a smoker and now I’m a happy non smoker! But why did I hide it? I wasn’t proud of my addiction and I didn’t want to smoke anymore, but I had somehow convinced myself that I couldn’t quit. Everything I kept telling myself was committing me to lighting up again and again- Life was too hard, problems to stressful, tobacco addiction are too hard to quit, and my favorite excuse “I will soon”, but soon never came. I consider myself a very intelligent person, yet I knew what I was continuously doing was STUPID STUPID STUPID! I was afraid without the crutch - I couldn’t cope, but the more I smoked the more I worried I would get cancer and die. It was a vicious carnival ride that never stopped, but went around and around making me feeling more ashamed and sick. Surprise, the more embarrassed I felt the more I smoked. I read an amazing book by Allen Carr the Easyway to Quit Smoking. It questions and answers the psychology of smoking. It didn’t come equipped with any miracle drug, no substitutes (nicotine patches or gum), but by time I finished the book I had my very last cigarette that I will ever have! I suppose the simple message in the book wasn’t something I couldn’t figure out on my own, but it made me question and motivated me to take a closer look at what I allow myself to believe. Now, there is no more hiding, no more feeling guilty, and grossed out with my dirty little addiction. Finally, it’s no longer a part of me. Aside from hopefully avoiding many horrible diseases it contributes too - The most important thing about conquering this demon was the realization that I refuse to hand over power to anything in my life I do not want there!!!

Finding a Way Out of the Maze

As a kid the movie Labyrinth always fascinated me, but I keep playing a certain line in the movie over and over in my head as of late.

“Through dangers untold and hardships unnumbered, I have fought my way here to the castle beyond the Goblin City to take back the child that you have stolen, for my will is as strong as yours, and my kingdom is as great — You have no power over me.”

This movie is filled with great messages for kids (and actually some adults I know could also benefit from this cinematic adventure). Some of the messages are: not always believing what you see, about letting ‘helping hands’ assist you when you need it, the necessity of friendships and teamwork, the quote “everything is possible” is thrown out several times in the movie, and the ultimate message that nobody has power over you. Of course, as a kid, I loved the funny goblins and the David Bowie music but subconsciously that line of the movie has always stayed with me and every now and again I remember it.

Recently, a certain someone had me thinking of the movie Labyrinth and everything suddenly became crisp and clear. I saw him today… my shadow friend… and the stabbing pain of hurt is somehow gone. In-fact, as I looked at his face and he looked back at mine I felt a quiet. There is a kind of quiet that tells a once tender heart that the mourning period is over. It leaves composure as if the once treacherous waters have been stilled into a lapping lake. I felt sorry for my shadow friend as he walked away – then stopped turned around and asked if he can see me tonight. My reply was as simple as the turning of a knob that silently shuts the door of a sleeping baby. It was somber to see him standing alone in the shadows of the street while I stood by the car in the sunlight. The impression will etch itself in my memory forever: His tired face, wrinkled shirt that folded slightly up on one sleeve, unshaven chin, titled baseball cap, and the awkward stance of a man damned. “I really do miss you…I want to be in your world” he says. A wave of pity comes over me. “I know” is all I can whisper into the silence as I recite the simple words in my head…“Through dangers untold and hardships unnumbered, I have fought my way here to take back what you have stolen, for my will is as strong as yours, and my kingdom is as great - You have no power over me!!!

Playing with Puzzle Pieces

I don’t feel the doom and gloom. I know it’s lurking out there because I have seen it on many faces I pass in the shuffle of my everyday life. It seems many people are cashing-in and checking-out. Life is hard especially with the media reminding us just how unhappy we ‘should’ feel. However, in my little world something is different. I see the bills stacking up on the entryway table in my house, all the while, knowing that my position at work is shaky. I know that I have a lot of goals I have recently set for myself which might possibly be difficult, but some sort of shift took place. It was slight at first. The morning I woke up and didn’t feel like crying was the middle. The beginning was just one good choice I made for 'me' that snowballed into... what one can only define as... happiness? Nowadays, I just smile at the piling stack of bills I need to pay. I intend to pay them and I will, but right now I can’t so … I smile instead. Did I crack? Nope. I just changed. Eating right and working out use to seem like this huge mountain I looked up at but felt to afraid to climb. Now, I enjoy it – I can’t believe I wasted so much time not making it an essential part of my life. Losing weight is good for my health and the 13 pounds I have lost feels great, but there is something even more impressive I discovered. One night while exercising I thought “what other changes can I make?” and it inspired me to change everything else in my life I didn’t like! Like spring cleaning for the soul. If something doesn’t fit into who I want to be – I just throw it out! Gone! Just like that! This might seem like an infomercial on selling "happy" but indulge me a little further. I even changed how I felt about the people in my life who use to make me feel bad about me – FLIP! I smile at them too! Just like that! And what’s really fantastic is the changes I have made make me like this new girl more everyday! Like a puzzle – I am putting me back together – starting from the edges and working my way to the middle. “It starts with ME first!” it’s my new mantra!

My Mirror Friend

I'm really trying to focus on an important relationship I have neglected. I spent some time with myself today trying to become my friend again. I think somewhere along the way I forgot to be kind, understanding, and tolerant to the girl looking back at me in the mirror. I don't remember the last time I spent a day alone with myself, my thoughts, and calming household tasks. I discovered I actually enjoyed spending time with her. Perhaps the greatest failed relationship is the one we have with ourselves. If we don't take care of this relationship - no other connections can succeed. Sometimes in the simplicity of scrubbing a sink with a sponge in silence a friendship can be strengthened. Today for the first time, I smiled at the girl in the mirror and she smiled back and... she meant it.

Nothing Is Priceless

"I will not cry - I will stand tall and proud" She says outloud in the vacant space. She wears the clothes of someone defeated. Outside in the dark on a quiet street staring at the rendezvous spot she sat alone. Secret meeting of lovers in the middle of the night. It was the perfect night - the shifting breeze rolled across the shoulders inviting, and the bright Moon cast a glow across the freshly watered lawn. The crisp smell of the air was seductive. Only tonight, she was on the outside... knowing behind the blue door and down that hall inside that little house someone else was with him. With the sadest smile placed across her face she shook her head. She had been a fool. She just needed to know it was true. Like the bright lights of vegas - she saw who he was in one brilliant fragment of time. Images projected before her tired eyelids of laughter, stolen moments, places they had gone, and talks they had shared. A human connection shattered like glass thrown on the pavement. It was done. Choices. She was done.

He knew he was caught. He stared out through the window in the dark room trying to see the figure inside the car. He couldn't see her - he couldnt be sure she was in there- but he knew. He knew the way the nights moon knows how to cast shadows. Frozen, he watched as the car started with a violent hum breaking the silent calm of the slumbering street. She didn't see him standing there. Of that he could be sure. He can almost hear a whisper as if she is there in the room with him "The choices we make... dictate the life we lead." Some moments change everything. This moment would. Doomed - he would lose again. He has lost so much in his wasted life. Choices. He watches the car fade into the night and after a moment he turns - walking back down the hall . Walking through the bedroom door he stares down at the girl waiting for him. She stretchs out her arms to him. Choices. Laying back down he knows he will not sleep again tonight. This night would haunt him. Shadows would shift on the wall before him playing images of all he had lost. His own worst enemy... was his very soul.

The Reason Night & Day is Divided...

Perhaps someone offered me a pill and I took it and it made me see you in a different light or maybe I am just a silly little girl twirling around thoughts like a ballerina with images of pretty flower petals in my hair and beautiful dancing ponies. But, the how I got here doesn’t really matter. I danced on the wave of you and soaked in the sun until the clouds started rolling in and the rain started to fall. The text book manual of you is filled with descript condemning words like glass shards and tears – where all hopes and dreams go to wither and perish. The unwritten you – the tale you’ve made me see was so bright like a halo around everything so jaded. How similar the two of you are, the Moon and you – illuminating the sky surrounded by a veil of darkness it can not escape. I care so freely and love so deeply, but I prefer it to the silent emptiness of midnight nothingness. I will miss the thrill and the excitement of seeing your smile and the light surrounding you -only I can see. You do not belong to the dark night like the renegade Moon. You belong in a field of yellow flowers for miles, or shape shifted into the cool night breeze caressing the skin as a lover. I have lost nothing because I never really had you – you are preoccupied letting the nights sky own you. A man addicted to the pattern of the Moon-standing still and shinning only from far away. I risked my heart, but can not risk anything else for you. When the veil I wore was lifted and the choice became me or you... this blond girl whispers out loud standing tall in her silent damning victory barefoot on the porch “I choose me.”

Mind-Sick and The Bumps to Prove it!

I’ve been saying a little phrase – out loud and in my head “I’m allergic to my life!” These are very powerful words… in-fact so powerful that I have hives on my stomach and my arms! I thought I was being so funny and clever with my witty saying… and now it’s manifested its self to be true. The mind is a powerful thing which of course got me thinking… if I can create hives from stress what can I create with peaceful feelings? And isn’t this what the entire guru’s of the world have been saying? Did I really need hives to stop the negativity flowing through me? Perhaps I did! Most importantly, if I can believe everything will work out and I will be just fine… would I? Just a little lesson in perceptions and flip! I go over to the positive side!

New. Change. Fear.

I’m not sure where I thought I would be. There wasn’t a checklist I made when I turned eighteen on who I was going to be ten years later. Something doesn’t fit with this imaginary plan hovering like a ghost above my head. In the middle of the night its as if I am the only audience to the world. Staring out my bedroom window at four in the morning calmed by the stars who feel like old friends. We have sat in this same bright darkness together in comfortable quiet on many occasions. Tonight I feel change taking place without me… I know its time. My nemesis and my greatest ally. Change will move forward feet planted firmly in the desert sand with its head down carrying its burden on its back towards the new. Do I go quietly or make a scene? If I choose to fight I will be walking with bound hands and tattered clothes staggering behind Change. If I go peacefully I’ll have to let go of the comfort of Fear. Being afraid has been such a comfort -it lets me shake my blond curls as I nod “no” with arms crossed and regress back to five years old again. How did I grow up and still manage to bring Fear this far with me? Letting go of fear and accepting change… the battle is on!

The Paper-bag Princess ... Is Me?!?!

Writing to calm the squalls of my mind… Like my own little Yantzee party only the dice are my thoughts rolling around in a great vacant space. Time to reason with myself on what is important and what isn’t. Evaluating what can and will take the cut in my life. Unfortunately, the house will be the first to go. I keep reminding myself that a lot of people are downsizing and struggling.

Why do I hold on to an image – or need a pretty picture on the outside? The car, the house… all those things are just “things” – pretty things, but not NEEDED things. This princess-like mentality I find myself battling with is not only annoyingly unattractive but also disappointing. Perhaps the biggest lesson to be learned is to simplify my life… in everyway possible. I have been living outside my means and struggling to hold on to the picture that everything is OKAY.

What I found interesting is that I was holding onto this image for myself. Was I afraid I wouldn’t like me if I didn’t have these things? Was I valuing me on what I HAD? Did I really think - If I can pull into the driveway in my pretty green mustang and walk up to my huge house turning the key and walk inside then I was and will be ‘okay’. The fear of change that I have carried with me since childhood – the need to keep everything in order and the ‘same’ has dragged me into what I can only sum up as - quite a little pickle.

This pretense is only making it worse and I find myself flailing like a drowning man looking for a life preserve. It is time for me to grow up – make the best choice which isn’t always the prettiest and requires owning up and making a change, so I can learn to tread water once again.

Moving on… and moving out…

Vague pages fill the story of my life.

Nothing is ever what it seems. My life is as cryptic as the words I write. Often people ask me what and who my words are about. I’m haunted by what I can create in my mind – what flows through my tired hands on white new pages. I can create the most beautiful scenes the most amazing stories, but it lives in a tattered worn notebook by the side of my bed. I exist merely in words. There are no happy endings without words – just fluttering moments like butterflies or the shift of the wind. We get moments of what could be and what will always be…Then the very movement of the world creates a shadow of what is. How I wish and long for the super power to freeze time outside of my pages. How I would suspend the moments that made me feel hopeful and alive and wallow in them. I would bask in the sunlight of each sliver of human kindness, of passion, of love, and most of all of feeling. The kind of feeling that does not judge, does not hold back does not challenge. It just is. I would laugh at those who told me this was a lesson – all things I am learning – this too shall pass. I would just freeze time and exist for awhile in my safe place. I would see them all there – those who inspired me and made me feel whole when I was a shell. I would smile but say nothing as I walked past them. I'm walking down a long stream barefoot in a spring meadow filled with yellow flowers for miles. I'm looking for someone in particular - the one I look for most these days. Seeing in the distance a form alone just past the trees I hesitate and soak in the feeling of who I know is waiting there. Slowly... holding my breath I would carefully step closer. I would join and sit with my shadow friend for awhile – just exist with him suspended in a moment and the past would play like a video tape before us – only the good parts – the parts when I felt alive and less tired and worn. The parts when real life and it’s real 'worlds' didn’t collide. Nothing shatters on the river bank near my stream. There is only moss covered trees that sway with an inviting breeze, muttering glittering pools of clear crisp waters rolling over rounded rocks, the smell of new soil and green foliage, and the promise that love can truly conquer all. “I don’t want to go back” I mutter to the shadow friend beside me. “Do we really have to go back?” I ask the silence. I know the answer. I always know the answer. What if this time I can’t dusk off my knees and return for another round. What if I can’t keep moving forward when there feels like there is nothing to move forward too? Cowardly, I hide behind all good things blocking out my reality. My shadow friend shifts. His brilliant face tilts and sad blue glass eyes look back at me. He will return – he won’t stay here with me – time can only freeze so long. He wants to go back – the thing he needs exists in the real world. Let him go… let it all just fade away. Moments. A handful of moments cupped in silly little hands. Vague nothingness of crumbling pages like a forgotten and overlooked torn dress.

The Egg Timer War

Tick... Tick... Tick... time is restless and fading. I see the mental picture of the egg timer my mother had in her kitchen when I was younger. I was six years old when I realized it was moving and would sometime soon ring. Done. Final.

Rush... Rush... Rush... racing the clock to fit it all in before moments become silence and all that is left is wishes.

Feel... Feel... Feel... trying to soak it all in before love runs out of time. My breath catches - his smile changes my mood. Spinning and running into a breeze so light.. so young.. so free.

Hurry... Hurry... Hurry... things change.. people change.. and he could be gone. Time changes without you. Keep up, dont trip, keep going.

Realize... Realize... Realize... the tiny fragments we have are priceless pearls in my collected box of moments.

Reaching... Reaching... Reaching... for everything out of reach, wishing for stolen kisses under the stars, rushing to feel everything before the eggtimer rings, hoping each corner I turn was the best choice for me.

Sigh... restless.. wanting time to suspend and stop so i can catch my breath...

Einstein My Soulmate...

"The World As I See It"
An Essay By Einstein (http://www.aip.org/history/einstein/essay.htm)


"How strange is the lot of us mortals! Each of us is here for a brief sojourn; for what purpose he knows not, though he sometimes thinks he senses it. But without deeper reflection one knows from daily life that one exists for other people -- first of all for those upon whose smiles and well-being our own happiness is wholly dependent, and then for the many, unknown to us, to whose destinies we are bound by the ties of sympathy. A hundred times every day I remind myself that my inner and outer life are based on the labors of other men, living and dead, and that I must exert myself in order to give in the same measure as I have received and am still receiving...

"I have never looked upon ease and happiness as ends in themselves -- this critical basis I call the ideal of a pigsty. The ideals that have lighted my way, and time after time have given me new courage to face life cheerfully, have been Kindness, Beauty, and Truth. Without the sense of kinship with men of like mind, without the occupation with the objective world, the eternally unattainable in the field of art and scientific endeavors, life would have seemed empty to me. The trite objects of human efforts -- possessions, outward success, luxury -- have always seemed to me contemptible.

"My passionate sense of social justice and social responsibility has always contrasted oddly with my pronounced lack of need for direct contact with other human beings and human communities. I am truly a 'lone traveler' and have never belonged to my country, my home, my friends, or even my immediate family, with my whole heart; in the face of all these ties, I have never lost a sense of distance and a need for solitude..."

"My political ideal is democracy. Let every man be respected as an individual and no man idolized. It is an irony of fate that I myself have been the recipient of excessive admiration and reverence from my fellow-beings, through no fault, and no merit, of my own. The cause of this may well be the desire, unattainable for many, to understand the few ideas to which I have with my feeble powers attained through ceaseless struggle. I am quite aware that for any organization to reach its goals, one man must do the thinking and directing and generally bear the responsibility. But the led must not be coerced, they must be able to choose their leader. In my opinion, an autocratic system of coercion soon degenerates; force attracts men of low morality... The really valuable thing in the pageant of human life seems to me not the political state, but the creative, sentient individual, the personality; it alone creates the noble and the sublime, while the herd as such remains dull in thought and dull in feeling.
"This topic brings me to that worst outcrop of herd life, the military system, which I abhor... This plague-spot of civilization ought to be abolished with all possible speed. Heroism on command, senseless violence, and all the loathsome nonsense that goes by the name of patriotism -- how passionately I hate them!

"The most beautiful experience we can have is the mysterious. It is the fundamental emotion that stands at the cradle of true art and true science. Whoever does not know it and can no longer wonder, no longer marvel, is as good as dead, and his eyes are dimmed. It was the experience of mystery -- even if mixed with fear -- that engendered religion. A knowledge of the existence of something we cannot penetrate, our perceptions of the profoundest reason and the most radiant beauty, which only in their most primitive forms are accessible to our minds: it is this knowledge and this emotion that constitute true religiosity. In this sense, and only this sense, I am a deeply religious man... I am satisfied with the mystery of life's eternity and with a knowledge, a sense, of the marvelous structure of existence -- as well as the humble attempt to understand even a tiny portion of the Reason that manifests itself in nature."

The What If Game

When I was little the game of ‘What if…’ was my favorite – ask my mother she will tell you how exciting it was to play this game with me- day in day out. ‘What if…’ is my own little personality flaw and now as an adult I still play this game frequently. This game is often my greatest nemesis and sometimes my best ally – depending on how I decide what frame of mind is controlling me.

Today, I keep repeating - What if everything works out just fine? What if nothing is really as hard as it seems? What if my life is going exactly as planned and something spectacular is just around the bend? What if I just keep smiling until things stop making me so sad – will I believe it then? What if love sometimes gets hidden in the folds of stress, but it’s really actually there? What if I let myself fall and everything doesn’t shatter? What if for one day – I am not afraid? What if I just feel thankful? What if I stop over analyzing every little thing? What if I walk up to him and say exactly what I feel? What if I just feel content in my own skin? What if I decide to become best friends with myself? What if I am the answer to all the problems?

And this folks is how you play the game… now you know how noisy it is in my mind.

Stars and Dark Cluttered Corners.

Sometimes in worn shoes I go dancing on the thread of existence. Other times I hide behind a willow tree peeking through long flowing limps until the coast is clear. Today, I am neither of those things...

Right now, I’m dreaming of a blue truck with a white camper driving down my street to knock on my door and invite me to stare up at the stars for awhile. A perfect recipe for an evening is only complete with silly grins, funny pauses, blue jeans, backward baseball cap, intoxicating presence, and the fear and excitement of what it truly means to learn what defines someone.

I think the best part in life is getting to know someone who lets you in – to see all the cracks in the foundations, the mismatched furnishing of their lives, and the dark cluttered corners they hide. Realizing we are all cluttered, worn, shattered, and afraid … sometimes. It’s the broken pieces, the awkward knick-knacks, and the sloping foundation which makes a vintage dwelling truly amazing – because of its personal story. Sometimes the rarity makes it feel like home.

My favorite moment is when I am invited inside- to see the complete person - what nobody else can see from the outside… and then realizing that even after I have been shown around, I still unconditionally want to stay and clear out a dusty worn room.
The best part of my day is when you invite me in to look around your world.

Taking a Ride on My Crazy Train

Back when I was a kid - I thought nothing would was worse then when I realized there was no Santa Claus. A tiny human realizes the world you knew is shattered and you wonder how much of what you were told was never really true at all – by the people you thought and would always believe would never lie to you. Over time you realize it was a “kind lie” the kind of lie that told across the nation for the fun and spirit of an American Tradition. Ever notice how it’s ok to lie for “Traditions” sake? I always find this kind of collective reasoning amusing.

What is worse then the Santa Claus realization is believing in a cause and a person who you once respected, admired, and thought of as a mentor. When the colors of a person change and the banner you use to wave in there defense seems heavy and humiliating... you are left with a vacant feeling. There is nothing worse then realizing everyone has an agenda and that at twenty-eight years old you just figured out what most figure out at the age of sixteen. When you feel like the last naïve person left and you realize the supporters you thought were behind you, left the show a long time ago.

Lately, I have been feeling like the guy on the side of the road that stands there all day with his cardboard sign with hand written letters that says: “Honk for Peace”. Only this peace loving Average Joe seems excited and eager for his message, and never notices he is standing on this little corner all alone – waving his message with a smile. Granted, for all I know he suffers from a mental illness and has a slew of people with him in his mind, but seeing him always makes me silently sad. Like him and I are both the same – wanting to believe in something extraordinary in a world that might only be capable of ordinary. Perhaps our delusions of unrealistic beliefs in humanity is a mental illness, maybe me and peace loving corner guy are just strange crazy eccentrics in a world full of self indulgent developmentally stilted adults.

If I am mentally challenged in my view of the world, then I guess I rather be hopeful and believe in what I thought I saw in those around me who wore a mask and offered a lie. I choose to take the crazy pill of kindness without agenda and without personal gain. This is my kind of crazy – and I just hope the world doesn’t “get to me” and somehow change my crazy into their idea of normal. I just have to believe – in the hope for extraordinary

Shackled Life

Overwhelmed with life – I step outside. Then silently I stop, as if walking into a room and interrupting two lovers, I stand looking down the empty street watching the wind shift debris across the ground. As if not to interrupt the leaves, I inch closer quiet and watch the twirling and spinning - A synchronized dance under the brilliant sun. I am hypnotized. If only I could escape in the motion and become part of the performance. Air playful tosses around my hair as an invitation. It’s unbearable to resist joining the chaos of shifting change. Envious of the paper, leaves, and bags suspended in the air as the cell phone in my hand reminds me I am late for work. Remembering the chain on my ankle a mile long with worries, car payment, insurance, rent, bills, work… I limp to the car dragging it with me. Pulling out of the driveway I take one last glance at the dance – I dash away a quick tear and head in the opposite direction reminding myself… I am all grown up.

Got Pee? Serious Need for Urgency!

You know when you finally find a bathroom when you need to pee... you push everything out of the way, people, shopping carts, small children; you park diagonally and take up three spaces, you run, you come up with plans and ideas all to take you to that one place? And nothing stands in your way? Why can’t people place this same urgency to pee into meeting a deadline?

My positive attitude can take me as far as the recent wall I restlessly keep meeting. The barrier consists of a serious lack for motivations for those around me who once assigned a task are inept at follow through. I understand and advocate for the need to take time to smell the roses. I hop on the rose smelling bus and even have the t-shirt; however “Find tranquility” “Enjoy Life to the Fullest” has its time and place. Save the rose smelling when you haven’t committed to meet a deadline. Deadline – means the line is dead. Please for the love of god … Fear the freaking word – it begs for you to fear it!!

Or at least run around like you need to pee when you are around me or I will knock you the %&@! out of the way!